Ghul

Friends, I regret to inform you that my condition has worsened, no, it is unimaginable, the fear in which I've been consumed by has manifested itself in complete blindness. I am writing to you now, miraculously, by my memories accord of the keyboard's layout, how should I care if there are mistakes in grammar, how should I care at all, I see nothing but darkness now. I do not know if you will read this, I do not know where I am typing, all I hear are clicks and an ominous music I accidentally started playing by stepping on a remote, whining on in the background which I cannot figure out how to turn off. How should I tell you my desperation... Physically, I am in extreme discomfort, my sense of direction and balanced have waned away with the light. Imagine standing blind folded on the edge of a skyscraper is how I feel sitting still in what I recognize as a chair. I am disgusted with myself, friends, I am suffering incomprehensible delusions! I have lost my right eye in the arbitrary jihad the doctors waged against my body to save my worthless life, damn them! Now, in addition to my complete blindness, I've been rendered the image of myself as a brute creature scarred by the struggle of a psuedo-survival. I say psuedo-survival for I was not starving nor was I in any way incapable of producing offspring. I was being eaten by tumors, who cares, I cared for them, told the bastard doctors to leave my cancerous friends alone to their own lives, for what quarrels could I have with death? It is this life I am afraid of! Look at how these bastards play God, masturbating their P.H.D.s over my pulsing corpse on the sterilized splay table, like some fetish toy for their intellectual arousment, those perverts. Im alone now, I wish to have company. Friends, if you are reading this, come, I beg you! I am suffering great delusions... Imagine! I've pictured myself as ugly, unattractive, undesirable; and I truly believe it, for what vision of myself have I in this darkness? Please, comfort my delusions... I've known such women, plentiful, angelic women, where are you now? Fly to me, my little birds... Like airplanes in the night shall your voices arrive! Every desire I've denied you in the past, I know pledge to fulfill! What is it that you want? Just whisper it, anything, any desire in my ear! I am not so estranged, just whisper... whisper anything... Please? No. You will not come. I never knew how to treat you well enough... I would blame my mother had I not forgotten her face. Well, it's better this way... I'm undeserving of your company now, the way I've treated you women. I feel tremendous guilt, in both the actions of my abled body and the inaction of its current state. I do not condemn blindness, just try to understand; what beautiful visions I've seen in my life! After so many years... the light has been ripped away from me completely. Now I am left with a hole in my face and haunting memories of beautiful, vivid sight. How I wish I watched closer... Paid more attention to details... It is all fleeting now, with some tingling sensation I cannot shake away. Though, look! I can still move! My body is in peak physical form! I could... I could... What could I do now? How do I drive this damn machine blind? With my thoughts? heh! My thoughts couldn't drive such a complex machine of luxury let alone  themselves! I am tired... I can't remember how to sleep, it's complicated, I've been molested by anxiety and nausea since the light went out. The normal symptoms of sleep have been a constant ache. I cannot think anymore- I remember feeling great shame, same as I feel now: One night, I took a dose of LSD and sat down in the shower for several hours. Somewhere in there, I developed a throbbing erection, which I held mighty in my hand like a heavy sword! I stared at it while it morphed with my hallucinations, but knew my cock well enough to discern the difference. As I was holding it, I began meditating on all the women... so many bodies, flashing before me like ghosts... Then, the shame... an overwhelming guilt, like I had seen war. There I was, holding my throbbing weapon, high on LSD, thinking of all the flesh I've penetrated, the blood I've spilled... the carnality of it... the savagery, the indulgent, destructive purpose! and I became nauseous. The sickness lasted for days, then weeks, then months... Then... well, I made more bodies - and why should I have not?! I have no morals, never had no morals, I'd stick the proverbial sword in any warm pocket which dared threaten me with lust! These are childish musings; I take pride in childish musings. I despise the overeducated... Fucking intellectuals don't know how to fuck! Couldn't get the courage to reproduce if their lives depended on it. That's why they become doctors... So they can splay the sick raging bull out on the table and save the future of mankind... how else could they justify their insolence? Heh!! I hope they snuck a glance at this sacred monolith before they robbed me of my vision, the fucking swine, they probably wished to choke on it. They all have masochistic fetishes which prod at their buried homosexuality. Yes, they performed this surgery out of anger, that's why I'm so ugly now! "Look at that cock, what a beautiful cock" they thought, "- if I can't suck it, nobody can!!" then zzZzZzz under I went... who knows when I woke up? I certainly don't remember waking up, but I've thought of this already, already worked this one out... unfortunately, I am awake. The sex did this to me... I'm sure of it now. What disgusting acts I played for pleasure... I'm ashamed, it wasn't worth it! At the time, no cost was too high for my desires, but never did I think... How awfully I treated those women, and worse, how they loved me for it... But I know now the drunkeness of love, and the ignorant bliss of lust I felt was certainly not love. I've perverted myself beyond repair yet I'd be lying if I told you there was no pride in my shame. My barbaric actions render me some form of divinity we all try to ignore, but for me, there is no more ignoring. There is nothing left for me to ignore! There is only darkness. I should explain, before I forget, though I know I'll never forget, but what if I do? I'm only blind in one eye, that is to say, the swine doctors removed my right eye entirely, while the left is consumed in darkness. I don't know what they did with it, but if I had to guess, the one who held the scalpel stuffed it in his ass... how proud he must be! Think of his mother! The pig!   I'll never see the womb again... maybe, just once more, I will feel it! Maybe, just once more, I wil feel the tender warmth of a woman, and fuck the goofy devil shit out of her! No... this is impossible... How would I do such a thing now? I can't stop shivering, the anxiety is overwhelming, I see nothing. All this talk about my cock... I wouldn't dare touch it now. My hands are cold and clamy, I am sweating profusely and I feel like a corpse. I could never touch a woman feelings like this. Im filthy too... my breath smells of plastic, what's left of my hair is coarse, and my body odor is sharp like lab chemicals. I'm afraid of the shower, who knows what terror awaits me there? SHH...."....dajjal....." what is that? ............ ".......dajjal dajjal......." 

I swatted behind me. There is no one here but me... I am alone. But who is dajjal?! Does he have one blind eye and stink of hopeless shit?! Then yes! I am fucking Dajjal! I am suffering terrible delusions, friends. Friends? Who is there? And what of you men? How I adore you men... you helpless creatures. You can take my violence as love, can't you? Even your company would satisfy me, to have you here latently would be a pleasure! Won't you come? Or must I seek you out? I must find someone... I feel sick, but cannot throw up, cannot get well. I am sick of this darkness, and this anxiety and this sickness! I'm alone! I'm so, so very lonely... I know you still have love for me... Don't you? I am desperate, I admit, but how could I not be? I still feel capable... I could fight, I could probably kill! Maybe I could do this better than before, eh? If I practice awareness, let myself sink into this darkness... Perhaps there lies power in the abyss... Real, fantastic physical power! I could use it... Get my strength back, find a lovely woman who will keep me, and a man I can depend on to depend on me. I can feel it... I've had visions of this throughout my life; that I would return to molecular form as myself deconstructed, then piece myself back together, and what solace I would find in becoming a particle... especially now. I've forgotten friendship already... I must familiarize myself with socialization again. I will need to, or I will not survive... I will starve, I still have not eaten! Who am I talking to now? Are these words finding someone somewhere far away from me? Who are you?! Show yourself! No, that's no good, you'll have to come here, I'll need to hear you, to touch you... Or else I'll believe you to be another delusion, and I am suffering such powerful delusions... my teeth are chattering, I see nothing, I will starve. I will be better off. It's better this way. I keep repeating this: It's better this way, it's better this way. I will sit here, I will keep writing until I run out, until someone finds me, brings me warmth, for I feel cold now, colder than I've ever felt before. There is so much darkness, it doesn't end. The darkness is infinite. I've lost track of time, I zoned out, I think, I can't say for sure, I don't know where the zone is anymore. Friends, I'm becoming sick- No, I am sick. Illness has overcome me. I am a shivering corpse. It is finished. A shivering corpse in darkness, God help me. I used to skateboard, sex never felt so good, I was good at them both... It was important but now... What good is it? I no longer feel my left foot, it is entirely numb, I don't know why... It doesn't matter, I have no desire to walk, to run, to fuck,  to do anything. I want nothing... I have nothing... Now look at me, I am nothing. 

Friends... Friends... Friends.... No, no one is there. It's just me. Now sink, fall back to the floor, lay there like you did yesterday, or tomorrow, you worthless pile of shit. Death will come, just be patient, enjoy your suffering while you can. There is nothing left for you. You see that now, don't you ? You have no friends. You have no lovers. You have nothing but earth, calling you home. You will answer when the time comes... now fall